Have you ever played that game where you think about if you were on Death Row with no pardons left, what you would plan for your last meal? (What, just me?) I mean, although I have no plans of committing heinous crimes, I have plotted out the ultimate dinner. Also, just saying if you’re lucky enough to join me for that, you’re going to get Velveeta mac and cheese AND pizza. Hope you’re not lactose intolerant, because its going to be bangin’!
One of the foods that I would consider for my last supper would clearly have to be grocery store icing. Truly, its my Achilles heel. Many people can attest that at any function where crappy cake is going to be served, I am that lady who is hovering over the table, just waiting for everyone to get their slice so that I can get the most corner frosting left sitting there on the cardboard palette. I have no shame. I lay waste to sugary pillows of white sweet nothing with a sheen of hydrogenated oil. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Read the rest of this entry »
Despite how it looks like I eat all this fancy food.. or, I eat all this food.. or, okay, I try to make it sound like I live solely on sugar, salt and butter.. it’s a lie. I actually eat very little of what I research and write about.
That isn’t to say that I don’t eat things like Mallomars and Waffle House, but rather I eat a bite or two here and there and settle in with things that grow out of the ground. I eat plenty of boring fruits and vegetables punctuated by my favorite teardrop shaped food, the almond. Ah yes, the almond. Its shaped like a tiny drop of regret for all those pats of butter that I have chosen not to eat. But my heart thanks me like a kid with a birthday bike. And that, I suppose, makes it kind of worth it.
Anyways, as you can gather, I eat a lot of nuts. Read the rest of this entry »
Do you remember back when you were a kid and you would look at those colorful bricks of ramen noodles in the store? What did you think about that? Did you think “OOOoooooOOOOOOhhh! Ippudo! Slice me some pork belly on that son!”? Or, like me, did you think “Ew, poor people food. Lets hope nobody sees this in the basket.”
If you thought the latter, you’re clearly not a millennial. Pre-Ippudo when I was in college I was no stranger to the mysterious Oriental seasoning packet. Begrudgingly I slurped up slightly slimy noodles for meals at a time, oftentimes garnished with (shudder) frozen vegetables. It filled my stomach, I’m not proud. It was the mid-nineties, long before ramen became something of a cult.
As the years went on and my income ever still tentative, I put away the noodle bricks of my youth until a couple of years ago. Somewhere along the line I had missed the boat, but ramen had become cool again. Suddenly people were exalting the bricks on high like they had reached a new level of soup consciousness. Much like my grudge against the taco being “edgy”, I couldn’t see why people were so nutty over a bowl of noodle soup. I had to investigate. Read the rest of this entry »
Today, my fellow Americans, is one of the greatest days next to Christmas or my birthday. Today is one of those days where we can puff our chests in pride, paring knife and pestle in hand for its National Guacamole Day! Even better than that, it also coincides with a weekend for all your bingeing desires. Gooooooooooal!
Yes, really. What’s even better than this nugget, it isn’t the only NGD that we get to experience every year. If you miss this one (which is pure crazy talk and I know that you would never do it), we also get National Spicy Guacamole Day on November 14. Twice the chance to celebrate your country! Read the rest of this entry »
Once upon a time, in a mindset far, far away, I thought it would be a good idea to make chocolate from scratch. I eat enough chocolate to equal roughly the amount of the GDP annually, so I thought it was time for me to cut out the middleman and out my money where my mouth was. Fresh, homemade chocolate bars whenever I wanted. How hard could it be?
Not hard to do at all! (Take that Mast Brothers!) Making chocolate at home is about as hard to as falling off a greased log in a river. It’s easy to prep the ingredients and grind them to a submissive pulp, but where the difficulty lies is truly in perfecting the flavor. That being said, with a few minor tweaks I was able to get that nailed down securely as well. Want to try it yourself? Read on!
Happy Labor Day Weekend! Three whole days to sit in a car, battling traffic for five minutes of serenity on a shore. The moment when you have to make a grim decision between the triad of Sbarros, Nathan’s Hot Dogs or whatever the overpriced turnpike minimart has to offer in meager fare. The spandex on your swimsuit will stretch ever tighter as you slurp down another slushy drink.
I will join you in solidarity. I will hold your hand as you wonder if Hardee’s would ever survive outside of a rest stop. I will press the “on” button for you on that blender on the dock. I’ll contribute to the cookie crumbs ground into that rental Impala, eff it, it’s a rental anyways. You and me, forever and always this weekend.
Thus, get prepared for a recap of some of the best that Unprofessional Cookery has to offer for the next few days. That is, if you’re not roasting marshmallows on a bonfire right now or perfecting your rope swing cannonball. Which you should be. Right now.
I kinda sorta don’t really like cupcakes.
Well, maybe kinda sorta is too definitive. I mean, I like the frosting on top of a cupcake quite a bit. Sometimes, such as in the case of a Hostess or Butter Lane variety, I like what’s nestled in the middle. The paper wrappers can be kind of attractive too. Perhaps I should just call it what it is then. I just don’t like the cake part of the cup cake. Also, I’m not thrilled how a vehicle for frosting has been snapped up with gender specific marketing ploys to make them as cute as humanly possible with sparkles and fondant. (That, I actually find quite infuriating.)
Anyways, my opinions on this aside, I got to wondering where the cupcake came from. If you think about it, have you seen the Pilgrims tear into a cranberry walnut ganache covered minicake? There also are precious few paintings of George Washington scarfing down a pink sparkly cupcake anywhere. So who invented these petite sugar bombs.. and why? Read the rest of this entry »
A few weeks ago I was chatting with my neighbor who had taken it upon himself to try to make his own (better) version of the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme with the lady he was dating. The idea struck me as novel because I had never really given much thought to the idea of improving on something that was set at the absolute lowest benchmark in dining experiences. Also, knowing my neighbor, I could never picture him eating Taco Bell by his own volition. This lady must have wooed him many times over.
The seeds of curiosity were planted with my neighbor’s project, which flourished with the pictures of the finished product that he had sent me. Apparently homemade Taco Bell is pretty good, once you figure out things like nacho cheese sauce on your own. It got me to thinking if I could perhaps do the same but even better than that. Read the rest of this entry »
The other day I discovered an evil snack lurking in the bulk section of my neighborhood hippy dippy health food store. Sesame sticks. They’re horrible! I hate them!
I hate them because I want to eat them all the time!
Sesame sticks are surprisingly good and they come in almost any flavor you can imagine. (Especially sesame flavor!) My spot has at least four varieties of them on the sweet and savory flavor rainbow ranging from nacho cheese to honey glazed. Technically I don’t really even know why these sesame sticks are even in my local health food store as they juuuuuust barely seem to qualify for having actual healthful benefits.
Whatever. Anyways, I’ve been snagging a (paid for) handful of these delicious little bastards for weeks now every time I go into that place. Rather than spending 37 cents every time, I thought I would make them myself. Read the rest of this entry »