Spudnuts Are Jerks.

When I was back home for Christmas this year, I had this grand idea that I was going to feature local foods from mom and pop type shops.  Although in my mind the Pacific Northwest isn’t the frontrunner in unique regional foodstuffs, there’s a few places that stick out in my mind when I think of back home.  One of those places was the Spudnut Shop.

The Spudnut Shop is located in a tiny strip mall called the Uptown Shopping Center and is conveniently located by my parents house.   The shop opened in 1948, shortly after a population boom in the area.  The Spudnut Shop has been open ever since, serving doughnuts, breakfast and lunch to the hungry masses day in and day out.

I had some memories of the place, but I was never a regular.  Being just a wee food junkie back then, I remember The Spudnut Shop being an okay place, a spot to get a doughnut and maybe some coffee in thick white mugs.  Nothing that special.  However, as a full-fledged adult food junkie, I knew that we had a unique product sitting in the Uptown Shopping Center and I figured that of course they would be interested in fielding questions from a bona fide New Yorkah so that I could write a sparkling and wistful article about these artisanal doughnuts.  OF COURSE.  They’re from Eastern Washington!  That’s practically like Canada South on the politeness scale.  Without hesitation, I called.

Who I got was Jolene.

When I called, I mentioned that I was from Richland, I had grown up eating Spudnuts religiously (a lie) and that now I was a writer who wanted to feature The Spudnut Shop on my blog.  I had more pluck than a chicken factory and oozed honey from my lips.

Jolene was not impressed.

She gruffly took my name and curtly informed me that the owner was out of town that week.  Instantly, the back home charm snapped off and I reverted back into my “I need to get shit done” New Yorker mode.  With my take no prisoner edge, I lobbed back my information to her.  I knew the owner would probably never see the invisible ink on the paper that didn’t exist on Jolene’s notepad.

I was not deterred by my less than stellar doughnut receptionist.  Everyone has a bad day, I figured.  This year was hers.

When I got home, I decided to just go down to the shop and see if I could just wrangle an article out of my own experience there.  So I went down at about four in the afternoon one day.  One way or another, I was getting this article and I figured that the Jolene experience must have been a fluke.

Nope.  I met Jolene II when I went in.  She looked about 16.  The entire staff of the Spudnut Shop appeared to be a crew of surly, nonplussed teenagers, just working here long enough until they went to college or married their sweetheart who was enlisting.

I sat down at a table (which hadn’t been updated since somewhere in the early seventies) in the empty shop where J2 informed us that they had shut the grill off two hours before closing.  I quietly noted to myself that shutting down a kitchen two hours prior to your posted closing time would have never flown anywhere else, but I hid that behind my smile and piercing stare.  I wasn’t about to get intimidated or shooed by someone half my age.  I told her that it was fine, all I wanted was a doughnut.

“We’re out of those too.” J2 countered, blankly.  Not even a smile or a half hearted apology.

Uh hunh.

So what she was telling me is although they were technically still open, they didn’t have any food to serve or any doughnuts to sell.  This, countered with her stellar attitude, was not looking good in terms of an article.  I’ve lived in New York for 15 years and even I thought these people were assholes.  I left, more irritated than before but with a resolve that I would get one of these stupid doughnuts to write about if it was the last thing I did.

A couple of days later, I went back in the morning to the shop.  This time I found it was slightly more busy than my afternoon venture and the doughnuts were piled up on sheet trays.  Thank the lord.  I bought four and encountered Jolene III.  She was easily confused and had obviously been trained by J2 and O.G. Jolene in regards to customer service.

I told her that I would like one plain Spudnut, one white glazed one and two maple nut.  She tried to give me two maple nut, a white one (which she matter of factly informed me was “Oh, you mean coconut”) and couldn’t figure out what the one I wanted aside from that, even with me pointing at the pastry directly.  At this point, with my patience running thin for this local institution, I just didn’t care.  I didn’t even want to eat a Spudnut anymore.  It was the hardest $2.82 that I ever wanted to spend but I finally got the little effers in my hand and I was out of there for good.

FINALLY I got home with my precious potato doughnuts.  This was so going to be worth it after all that work, I knew that I was going to be eating a bit of manna from my youth.  These doughnuts were going to be succulent and pillowy, like a bit of heaven with sugar glaze.  I knew it!  I was finally happy and excited to be eating one of these generic looking pastries!  I bit into one before photographing them, anticipating greatness.

WHAT!  They were nothing special.  In fact, I wouldn’t even bother going out of my way to get them..  even if I lived next door to the place.  Spudnuts were just average doughnuts, no better than from a grocery store.  Way too cakey and springy, not like a pillow of sweetness.  I can’t believe I wasted all that time just trying to get something that I could have had in five minutes at any Dunkin Doughnuts or Winchell’s.  I was so not pleased.

So, long story short, The Spudnut Shop in the Uptown Shopping Center somehow manages to continue open its doors day after day, SOMEHOW, but the doughnuts aren’t anything to write home to mother about.  So rather than make you, the dear reader, have to encounter the jerks behind the counter, I’m just going to give you the recipe that I found after doing some research.

Take that, Jolene(s).  Might have helped you if you learned to be polite.

Spudnut Doughnuts

Ingredients:

-1 cup shortening

-2 cups cool mashed potatoes

-4 cups lukewarm milk

-5 eggs, beaten

-1 cup sugar

-2 tablespoons of yeast dissolved in 1/2 cup warm water

-1 1/2 teaspoons salt

-12-15 cups all purpose flour

-1/2 teaspoon lemon extract

-Oil for frying

GLAZE (optional)

-1 cup powdered sugar

-2 tablespoons water

How to:

1. Scald the milk and add the shortening, sugar and salt.  Stir until melted.

2. Add in enough flour to make a thin batter, like a cake batter.  Then add in the mashed potatoes and beaten eggs and stir to incorporate.  The batter should not be warm but not hot.

3. Add in the yeast and stir well.  Continue to add flour until a soft dough is achieved.  Put the dough in a bowl and cover it.

4. When the dough has risen, punch it down and let it rise again.

5. Roll out the dough and cut it into doughnut shapes.  Let the dough rise a third time.

6. Heat your oil to 375.  Drop each doughnut, raised side down into the hot oil.

7.  Allow the doughnuts to cook for a short while, then turn them once to fry the underside.

8. Remove the doughnuts from the fryer and drain.  If desired, glaze the doughnuts by dipping each when warm.

Makes 12-15 dozen doughnuts.