Insulin Shock

Have you ever played that game where you think about if you were on Death Row with no pardons left, what you would plan for your last meal?  (What, just me?)  I mean, although I have no plans of committing heinous crimes, I have plotted out the ultimate dinner.  Also, just saying if you’re lucky enough to join me for that, you’re going to get Velveeta mac and cheese AND pizza.  Hope you’re not lactose intolerant, because its going to be bangin’!

Anyways.

One of the foods that I would consider for my last supper would clearly have to be grocery store icing.  Truly, its my Achilles heel.  Many people can attest that at any function where crappy cake is going to be served, I am that lady who is hovering over the table, just waiting for everyone to get their slice so that I can get the most corner frosting left sitting there on the cardboard palette.  I have no shame.  I lay waste to sugary pillows of white sweet nothing with a sheen of hydrogenated oil.  Just thinking about it makes my mouth water.

Yeah, I don’t get it either.  But whatever.

So in all my years of cooking, I’ve been searching high and low for the ultimate grocery store frosting recipe.  In those years of searching I have discovered that finding that recipe is like finding the holy grail.  Sure, I’ve found similar recipes, but they’re just not quite right.  The recipes that I’ve found come out too heavy, to waxy, too this, too that.  I figured that I was doomed to stalking office birthday parties and baby showers to get my fix forevermore.

UNTIL…

I discovered the internet had recipes.  The internet!  The internet had the ultimate frosting recipe right under my fingertips.  My fingertips!  I decided, weary from years of trying and failing, to give this one recipe a try.  Just once.  It was do and die time.  If I made it and it failed, I would just resign myself to my grocery store fantasy.  If it succeeded, the spatula would be pulled from the stone.

I whipped it up this weekend and gave it the old college ladle-full try.  I discovered (oh lord how I discovered!) that this recipe was dead on.  Like right smack dab on the mark.  Sweet, pillowy, light and airy, this frosting and I were having a moment.  We gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes… and then I ate it.

However, I decided that the recipe that I found was even too fancy for me and it was much too involved.  Butter flavor, what was that about?  Meringue powder?  Really?  Five minutes of whipping?  WHAT? Forget that noise.  I wanted quick, cheap and dirty.  So I modified the recipe just slightly so that it just tastes like white.  White nothing.  Just like heaven.  (Also, I made the quantities adjustable so that you didn’t end up with a bucket of frosting, like I did.  Make sure all “parts” are of equal weight.)

Quick and Dirty Frosting

Ingredients:

-1 part butter, softened

-2 parts vegetable shortening

-4 parts powdered sugar

-One egg white, whipped into a meringue OR a sprinkle of gelatin/agar agar (depending on quantity)

-A pinch of kosher salt

-Flavoring and coloring, if you must.  (Your choice of pollutants)

How to:

1. In a bowl, combine the butter and shortening.  Whip it together using a hand mixer until everything is homogenous, shiny and has a pale yellow color.

2. Depending on the quantity of the frosting to be made, either fold in the meringue or sprinkle on some gelatin and continue to whip the fats together until all is stirred well.

3. Start dumping in the powdered sugar while beating the fats.  I suggest doing this in parts so as not to end up making a mess.  Also, add in the salt.  Beat it until everything is solid and yet still airy.

4. If you need to, add in your flavoring and coloring last.  The frosting is done when everything is incorporated and consistently colored.  Frost on, my friends.